How do I increase my sense of safety

Written by on March 23, 2022 in Self Care, Skills for Embodied Living with 0 Comments

As you know, we are talking a lot about boundaries as we prepare for the launch of my new program, Badass Boundaries for Overachieving Trauma Survivors, and I’m hearing from many of you about your boundary challenges and questions. Some of your questions have been so good, that I just couldn’t wait. So I decided to respond to a few here in my blog over the coming weeks.

So this post is in response to the person who asked how to increase their sense of safety so they can stay present when it’s time to make a boundary. They said that when they need to make a boundary, they find themselves going kind of numb and disconnecting, and they wanted to stay present and connected, in particular with their loved ones, when they needed to set a limit.

I’ve recorded a response to this question in the video. But, for those of you prefer to read, the text is also included below:

I just want to say Bravo to you for noticing that numbness and that disconnection! For so many of us, it can be hard even to notice what happens when our boundary making processes are not working the way that we want them to. So, uh, that awareness is powerful and it’s a great place to start.
The other thing I want to say is… you know, sense of safety really varies depending on the circumstances. So sometimes you’re not feeling safe because you aren’t safe and we have to honor that reality.

So the first thing to do is really check in with yourself. Make room for that feeling of fear or discomfort and see if you can… kind of… be in conversation with it. What is it trying to tell you? And then, you know, once you’ve made room for what it’s trying to tell you, there will be space to address it.
As you make room, you can start extending care and compassion towards that part of yourself that is afraid. Even just something as simple as putting your hand on your chest, taking a deep breath and acknowledging, “Yeah, this is scary. Of course it is.”

And then from there you can really set an intention. Like, “Even though this is scary, I’m going to stay connected to my heart as I speak this truth.” So with my kid, it might be, maybe not fear that’s coming up, but exhaustion or frustration. And I might say, “yeah, of course I’m feeling frustrated and tired, but I am going to stay connected to my heart as I speak this limit. And then I’m going to let myself connect with him.”

So that’s a start in relationships where you want to soften, and be more present in your boundary setting. And, you know, it’s a little bit different if you’re in a situation where you’re trying to set a limit and the situation isn’t safe. And we talk a lot about that in my upcoming masterclass, “Three Essential Strategies for Badass Boundaries with Difficult People”.

For now let’s just practice this much. Feel free to comment below or respond to my email and let me know how it goes for you when you allow yourself to make more room for your feelings and offer self-compassion to yourself when you’re making boundaries.

If you already know that you’d like to work with me, and you’re excited to master the art of negotiating boundaries in your life, while in community with other like-minded explorers, you don’t have to wait to sign up. Click here to learn more or register for my upcoming 12-week group program, Badass Boundaries for Overachieving Trauma Survivors.
Thank you. I’ll see you soon.

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About the Author

About the Author: Sonya Brewer, MA, is a body-centered psychotherapist, somatic coach and relationship specialist in Albany, CA, where she specializes in creative life and relationship design for “out the box” thinkers (and “feelers”). She loves helping quirky people find their creative voice and express their unique ways of being so that they can feel more alive, connected and authentic in their lives and relationships, while also bringing their gifts to the world. Sonya brings over twenty years of experience, backed by in-depth training in somatic psychology, relational psychotherapy, relationship therapy and somatic coaching as taught by Generative Somatics and the Strozzi Institute, as well as training in trauma recovery through the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and Somatic Experiencing Institutes. Sonya's body-based work is also deeply influenced by a lifetime of experience as a dancer, years of mindfulness meditation practice, and training and experience as a professional bodyworker. To learn more, visit Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #89901 .


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